...cause being great must suck

fresh start.

2008-05-28T20:43:00.002+02:00

ok so i totally tottally messed it up. i lost like 5 kg first then i gained 7 back ..or something like that. im on 59 kg now..it is freaking disgusting. i cant stand myself right now. well i cant stand myself neways but the way i look now is horrible and summer is comin and im supposed to walk around in a bikini and look fine so boys turn theyr heads towards me and not away from me.
my boyfriend broke up..im really sad.
havent seen him for a week or so and today he texted me to say that he is gonna call me tonight..well im expecting my phone to ring any second.
i dont really want to talk to him. im too depressed and sad and hurt to talk to the one responsible for all that.
tomorrow ill start dieting again. ill go for a run first thing in the morning, then i have to go to therapy and then my best friend comes over to my place to study biology..well i have to explain it to her.
im scared that im gonna binge then because i always binge when im with her. she keeps telling me that i look fine but i know that she is lying. shes just scared that ill be thinner than her again. which i always was till now..gooood i hate it.
well neways...
my plan:
work out work out work out
no meat, no butter, no sweets, no sugar, no fastfood, no white bread, no cheese, no fullfat milk...hmmm
allowed: salad, veggies, fruits, jogurt, water water water water water, green tea, yogi tea, weed so im able to fall asleep..:)

starving for perfection...pliiiiiiiz.

thinspo...

2008-01-30T15:03:00.000+01:00

i have a new computer..with final cut..yai! and as soon as it got internet on it ill post my first thinspo movie..i cant wait.
im on my first day fast of 3 days.
had nothing but greentea till now ..nd i feel gd so far! :D

my weight ticker..

2008-01-20T18:53:00.001+01:00

STAY STRONG!

day 6

2008-01-20T16:52:00.000+01:00

food: yogurt:200kcals
egg :70kcals
fruits:100kcals
sport:vitaparcours -500kcals
weight: dont know, cause my brother was always in his room, so I couldnt use his scales.. thankgod he got work tomorrow..:)

Its Sunday and i woke up in a brilliant mood. it was really really sunny today, like spring, even though its january. so i went on the vitaparcours. the fresh air and the sun on my face felt amazing. i was just happy. back home i played singstar with a friend. was funny..im a really bad singer lol. i keep trying to break my own records but well..its quiet hard..:)
even though my whole family is really grumpy ( i dont know why )..i try to keep my good feelings for me. got night shift this night..i hope there wont be much to do so i can get some rest. my work is alright..i earn really good and as a student i cant complain.
i cant wait to weigh myself tomorrow..i hope that i didnt screw up too badly eating those spaghettis yesterday..damnit.

day 5

2008-01-20T16:38:00.000+01:00

food: grapefruit, apple 100kcal
spaghetti and sausage 1000 kcal ( guess)
1 glass of milk 60 kcal
no sport
weight: 55.9 kg! wohoo.

yesterday I went out with my sister. I promised I would go to that Tarantino party with her. so I went. We dressed up..I was Mia and she was Gogo ( the Japanese Killer Girl from Kill Bill). Unfortunatly there werent many people and my mood wasnt too good cause i was tired of last thursday night. the music was good though. But I went home early, I needed to sleep. I slept in till 2 pm. I really needed that. Was in a brilliant mood after I weighed myself..2kg gone already.
didnt eat all day but in the evening i got weak. i hate it. i was so frustraded. i threw up again. it helped a bit but still i was really disappointed in myself.

day 4

2008-01-18T18:14:00.000+01:00

no sports today.
food: cornflakes with milk..300kcals
coffee 0
1 piece of candy. dunno.
weight: dunno..scales are broken..:(((

i feel like shit..probably also look like it today. quiet depressed. thinking of quitting that stupid uni shit and start a life without sophisticated assholes and stupid "i know everything better " chicks and "im so smart" guys. cant stand them. cant stand studying. bloody sitting around and let them tell me what to think.
went out yesterday night with two friends. they hooked up with some guys. so superficial. the one i really like told me to kinda fuck off. i was talking to a man i dont even know instead.. his just studying the same subject. movie. an interesting person. but too old..34 i guess. threw up all night cause i drank too much. was just too depressed to stay sober. being sober sucks. life sucks. it really does. i dont even feel like eating. even if i didnt want to lose weight. i hate food. it makes me sick just looking at it.
my mum cooked dinner..my favourite meal. but today i cant even look at it. sorry.
just want to disappear. ill do a bit of boxing now..my punching bag is still my friend.

day 3

2008-01-17T13:20:00.000+01:00

sport: rowing 30` 250kcal! 50 situps..dont know how much that is.
food: salad with brocoli and avocado.. i guess 300 kcal.
weight: still 56.9..cause i couldnt control myself yesterday..aaaaargh.

i gotta hurry. have to bring my cat to the vet. her eyes are all grey and weird. i hope its nothing serious. i gotta stay strong today. ill do my best!

day 2

2008-01-17T13:15:00.000+01:00

weight: 56.9kg
sport: non...im a lazy cow.
food: 2 slice of bread, creamcheese, springrolls..didnt count.

bad start. i know. i didnt eat all day and in the evening there was this apero from work. i couldnt say no and i felt really bad after that.
had stupid dreams all night..all about the same guy. i dont know why his always in my dreams. i hardly know him. gosh. im being superficial i know..lol

day 1

2008-01-15T17:16:00.000+01:00

weight: 127lb/58kg
sport: 30`= -170kcal
food: soup = +60kcal

i spent my day watching thinspos on youtube..quiet helpful.
was fighting with my sister..threw away half of the soup cause she wound me up so badly.
getting my cubbord tonight. can finally put my clothes somewhere.
im tired of doing nothing the whole day. cant be bothered to study thou..:)

start again...

2008-01-15T16:51:00.000+01:00

hiya,
Im writing here because i hope that it will help to lose all the fat that makes me look so ugly.
I know that I cant get anorexic just because i want to lose weight. and i dont want to become anorexic. i just want to feel comfortable again. i want to look in the mirror without the urge to spit at myself or hit myself or cut my wrists again. i just want to be happy.
my english isnt too good, so please excuse all the mistakes..:)

well there is a lot in my life that makes me sad. my sister is anorexic and she always comments my body and my lazyness. she can do that, cause she looks great. but its quiet hurtful sometimes.
but i am 1.65m small and i weigh 58 kg at the moment. (which is 127pounds.). i know its horrible, thats why i want to change.
i was in therapy once because i used to cut my arms and legs, i also stopped eating. i weighed 47 kg then. well i wish i never would have started eating again.

id be really happy to hear from other girls or boys with the same goal or the same thoughts. if youd like to comment, help, chat im open for new mates. otherwise just leave me alone..cheers.... welcome to my blog!
x lea x